Hey Ungraceful

Everyone always tells me I need to guard my heart. I literally have no idea how to do this. I know I have built up some sort of cardboard wall within the past few years from that one time I got really hurt, but as I let go of that, the cardboard starts to deteriorate. I equate guarding my heart with becoming hard, and I don't want to be hard. I want to be soft, I want to be open, I want to be ready and willing to love anyone who walks into my life as much and as hard as I possibly can. But thats not respected, is it? Its quite the opposite actually; its trampled on and spit on and used and discarded without a second thought.

This thought was brought on when I realized something that really sets me off: when somebody, usually a boy, makes plans with you, usually along the somewhat romantic or at least flirtatious nature, gets you so excited about it and makes almost definite plans, including what you're gonna do and around what time, continues to talk about it and hanging out for awhile, then says it may not happen and stops texting slash goes to sleep. Instantly, I fall apart. Therefore apparently, and for good reason, this is one of my tipping points. I expect this from certain people, all of them being men, but when someone new does it that I actually care about, it triggers that feeling he used to give me. He used to do the same thing. Exactly. Except he would start a fight with me to break off plans, or say its not right that we hang out. But you dear, you don't have that excuse. You used "I write back to slow." You asked me to be honest, and I was, and you made fun of me. No matter how many times it happens to me, it still breaks my heart every time I am put in this position of trust misused and manipulated. Is it a game? Is that how you think of it? I know you like control, so I let you have it. But in these situations you want me to take the lead. Is that so you can blame me when looking back? That I let it keep going, that in your mind I was the leader of this indulgence? You use my inability to lie as an advantage in the informal plan for my demise. You may not set out to view it this way, but I know you better than you think I do, and vice vera. You will look back and regret. You will feel better because you know I share the brunt of the blame. I have gone through this same situation a thousand times with someone else. I think these tears are a mixture of shock, disappointment, and heartbreak. I thought you would be better, smarter, sweeter, more of a man. I hope I am wrong in accusing you of not being those things. I hope this is pain over nothing. I know its unfair to you that I feel this way, but this might be the end of our renewed friendship if you do lead me on this way and this hard, just to bail on set plans, when you said "I want your company usually," like you've been bummed we haven't been able to hang out. UHG.

You Don't Even Know

More Than Anything

More than any fruitless venting or beating myself up all night tonight that I had planned, this is so on point for what I needed to see and hear and read and feel tonight. It eases the intense claustrophobia rolling over me in a thick blanket and the feeling that I am worthless because I am pining. I am not worthless and I can breathe.

"Albert Einsteins theory of love.

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man you love but with the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being. To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."

Dumb Thoughts

There may be more fish in the sea, but it seems as though I'm stuck in this bucket.

It's Been A Long Time

Since I've been had properly. But I don't want to be had just for the hell of it. Which is why whenever some guy shows me he wants me, I'm never quite into it. I don't want sex without Love, and love enhances sex. I'm a tease for kissing you all. But I never kept from any that I was still a virgin. I say it outright. Before anything even happens. I don't want to give you any false hopes, though I am sure my other actions do. And because I know what I want means I may never get what I want. I can say I know the poetical that is in Love, especially combined with sex. I can admit I have been close to it. Touched it. Lost it. That poetical gives me such hope its unbelievable. Such lust and passion that will be unquenchable till that marvelous day.

We Can't Be In Love Like The Movies

Fell in love with the movie Young Victoria.

I'm such a fuckin softie.

OCD

I really enjoy making lists. Even more filling in other peoples lists and making To Do lists for other people. As dumb and Myspacey as it sounds, when I come across a good fill in list that I can convey myself in, I have this disgusting selfish urge to fill it in, especially when it helps me procrastinate. So here it goes. You don't have to listen.

Sad songs I love:

• When You Come Back Down - Nickel Creek
• I Know You Know - Punch Brothers
• Void - Tristan Prettyman

Favourite meal of the day, month of the year, day of the week:

• Breakfast
• May
• Sunday

My three biggest character flaws:

• Selfish with love.
• Having no self control
• Being too hopeful

Happy songs I love:

• Live To Tell The Tale and/or Let Your Love Grow Tall - Passion Pit
• I've Been Gone A Long Time - Every Time I Die
• Animal Tracks - Mountain Man

Favourite body parts:

• Lips; the expressions that convey with the slightest movement and the things they are capable of.
• Shoulders.
• Rib Cage area.

Dream jobs:

• Fashion Stylist/buyer/merchandiser.
• Candid Photographer
• Food critic

Best sounds:

• The sound of cleats on pavement
• people singing together
• crunching leaves

Things that terrify/fascinate me:

• birth pains
• peoples complete apathy
• The 2012 Obsession