For Those Things For Which I Have Forgotten.

I am not perfect. I look back instead of forward. My head has nothing in it because nothing is stimulating it. The End.

Gymtober Rings True

I've kept my delusions going, holding on to you for as long as I can. I kept my routine the same, did all the things that made me feel close to you. Listen to your music, watched the shows based in your city that made me feel closer to what you're experiencing. None of it has worked. You're still 2000 miles away, and a million from my heart. I'm notorious for never letting go, and you're just another body to add to the pile I already have going.

You are beautiful and wonderful and reminded me that I am worth knowing and loving. Even more so, that I am more than worth it. However, as they say, timing is everything, and we just didn't and still don't have it. Short lived and long felt. I hate that. I have never really had someone want to be my friend so badly post telling me they no longer have romantic feelings (it's still crazy to me that someone can fight their feelings and actually win, but I think I can;t believe it solely based on the fact that I can never seem to do it because the movies have never taught me how). And I'm not sure I can make the transition. As O-Town so blatantly put it, I want it all or nothing at all. It would be so much easier if I knew you weren't there for me at all any more, but there you are, everyday, making the effort like I've never felt before. That is the hardest part of all. I am so glad you have life priorities, and see the big picture in a way I have never been able to. You understand you have so much life to live and so any places you want to go and you don't even know where you're going to be come this time next year, or even 10 months from now. I couldn't tell you what I'm doing two months from now.

All in all, I know I have to change my routine, change my heart yet again. Mind over matter over you. Thus the name of the month, Gymtober. A dedication to change, no matter how hard it is for me to do so. I want to be able to be your friend, and we have less than three short months until we are in the same city again, and I want to be able to see you and not have my heart break nearly as bad (cuz lets face it, my heart breaking is inevitable). I want to be able to come visit come February, and have it be healthy and happy and friendly. You are the smartest, sweetest person I have ever known and had an undeniable off-the-bat connection with. These are all things that are so hard to ignore. Like how, 3 years ago, you broke up with your girlfriend of two years the week we met, the day we had a hang-sesh planned. I may be looking too hard at that, but I do believe all things happen for a reason. With that, I know all these emotions I am going through with you, they have their purpose. Not that I can see it now, but its there, waiting for me to put the pieces all together, just around the river bend. And whether you're a part of whatever the purpose it, I can only pray.

But then again, I've been told my words are meaningless.

The smartest bit of advice I've gotten through all of this was that no matter how much I want to point blame where I think it's due, I was the one who gave that person the power to hurt me. So no matter what has happened, it has been me who has let it happen to myself. I had control and it was MY choice to give any certain person the space in my heart and mind to hurt me in whatever way they did. So from all this, I strengthen myself.

Sadly, this bit of advice promotes a closing off of emotions, which I will NEVER be able to do, but I do now totally understand even better than I had before at the importance of knowing yourself and the power you hold within. People will forever have the power to hurt us because we are a species based on human interaction, but what I take from all of this is what I have always believed; to live is to love, and when you love, and love passionately, you will hurt. We are always the most critical of the ones we love, because we believe they are better than they really are. People are beyond flawed, and it is hard to let those flaws go when we thing so highly of a person.

It is so much harder than I ever thought, for myself at least, to say the right thing all the time. Oh yeah, right, no one ever always says the right thing, including you. So from here, I forgive those who have said the harshest most hurtful things to me, despite their realization of it. I apologize for the unknown hurtful things I have said. We all will always make mistakes. It is literally impossible to not sin. All I can ask for, as I have for a long time now, is for God to guide me to the right things to say. Not to be in what I say or write, but for Him to lead me to the right combination of words. My words may be few more often than not on such vital situations because I am thoughtful about them. Because I never want to say something in the heat of the moment, in reaction to something, that may hurt far more than intended. I have no desire to ever say any words out of malicious passion for the reason of them being irreversible. HOWEVER, I know I have said or written my fair share of mindless comments, and that does not go unseen or unfelt. It also does not go un-apologized for.

I know I went off on somewhat of a tangent, but as is my mind. Jumping from one side to the other feverishly.

Pride & Ego Detain Us All

At the very least I can walk away from this knowing I did all I could to try and communicate (communication: told to be the key of any relationship) myself, my feelings and my actions to this person. Yet have come to realize, again, that I have no control over what another human does. I can only put myself out there so much and be rejected so much, hopefully making it clear to said person that I am open to further communication. However, like hitting yourself against a brick wall over and over and never learning how badly its hurting you, rejection never sticks. Or does it? Or did you give me just enough hope to make me believe that there was still a chance to fix this?

Even thinking that you could not care, after 3 months of nothing but, is entirely mind boggling to me. How did this happen? I know what I did, but was that statement really so altering that it changed your feelings and thoughts about me? Personally, I was enjoying this relationship more than I had enjoyed any in so long. I was excited about it actually. I relished our capabilities to have a long distance, thriving relationship. Every day I felt more affection towards you and missed you more.

What sucks the most is over the past two plus weeks I have thought about this nonstop. What can I do, say, whatever, to make this work again? It has taken up so much of my mind its sad actually. I have thought so much about what to say to you and of course every time its different. First they started as excuses for my actions and words. Then they changed into something else, something that felt so weird to me. I decided that if you needed me to commit or whatever, I would do it. Perhaps unknowingly to you, but this is what I was scared most of; taking that leap into commitment where I had the potential to have my heart broken, yet again.

Now that i have admitted my huge friggin fear of getting hurt, I'll admit my other fear that might make way less sense to any normal person, but I would hope that you being the understanding, stand up dude that you are (or I thought you were at this point) would totally get. Because I felt so strongly for you and that it wasn't completely all romantic, it was a great flourishing friendship as well, and I have a past tarnished with relationship getting fuck up from getting lost in the physical stuff, I had a huge wall up when it came to that. Even the small stuff like cuddling on the couch was a big deal to me when it came to you. I know how I work and I know how easily it is for me to get sucked into that stuff because it feels so good. Lust is my biggest sin, my biggest downfall, and I didn't wanna risk us getting fucked up because I can't control myself once that box is opened. Like, really, I mean it, I can't. Thus because, I admit it, I wasn't 100% sure what we were doing, I didn't want to get anywhere near the physical stuff until the emotional shish was figured out. We never had the DTR and you never really told me how you felt about me, therefore I was too scared to tell you any of my feelings either. I was (and I guess kinda still am) in a place where I was uncertain about you, and I had no desire to drag not only the other stuff we had built up together, but also something that is more sacred to you, through the mud.

I totally get if this sounds all deep an crazy, but thats who I am; deep and crazy. I got a lot of shit going on in my heart and my brain that even I don't always get, thus I don't expect many to understand where I am coming from most of the time. But I hope now you get it a bit. I know this is SO over, but I had to get all of this out before I drowned myself in the heaviness of it all.

I wish you everything good and shiny. We could have had a great love, but I'm excited for your truest great love (and mine of course too) that has yet to come. This is gonna fuckin hurt for a long as time because I did share a lot emotionally and invest a lot into you, but I hope we both learned great things from it. I hate this feeling of "I know its not over," but facing the reality that it really is.

Sometimes I wonder if you think the same way I do about you. About how what I have with you is like nothing else I have ever had with anyone else. However, I have time still to find that, and hope that there is something more amazing than you out there. I totally believe it is possible. Even right now I have great, huge hope that what I am working with now will be better than you. But still, WHY do I still feel this strongly? WHYTHEFUCKDOI? I don't want to be stuck here. I have been ready and I am SO ready for the next step.

Ive had this revelation about my life recently, about where I am headed and what I am passionate about. With that, I didn't have the desire to tell you, like, at all. I had the desire to tell my best friend, and the boy who cares about me more than anyone else has in a LONG time. I am happy. I am so incredibly hopeful about my future its insane. However, I wonder more often than I'd like to admit if you wonder about me the same way I wonder about you. If you have found something that has ever compared to what we've had. I know you've had more serious things than I have, but still, I have no idea what goes on in your brain anymore. I don't know if you had the same anxiety yet intense excitement like I had when we visited.

UHG. THIS IS DUMB.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWestNF1Ihw

All I Know Is I Don't Know

I realized I don't have room in my heart for someone else right now. For someone who can rely on me and vice versa. I can't be that or do that now, at this point in my life. I have my heart filled by my family and my best friend, not to mention the LORD. Simplicity was always my favorite and this feeling of being satisfied and filled by solely them embodies that perfectly. Its insane how when I finally find someone who is worth all the love I have to give, I can't do it. I can't give in. I can't let him in and I am unable to give him any part of me that means anything, even the physical stuff. Timing is everything I have come to realize. That and communication is key. It hurts me so badly to know that I can't give someone something they deserve.

Maybe it was because it was too simple. Too easy. Too right in front of me, no need for me to work. I don't feel any passion, any magnetic draw that I pair easily with lust. I'm not used to not lusting after someone with fiery enthusiasm. Part of me thinks that its a blessing; lust has always been my biggest temptation and not having it here, with this person, might be for the best. That perhaps that lust will grow with time to become something deeper and greater than I could have ever thought. Thats just wishful thinking however, not something I know for fact. That risk of putting myself out there only to find this wasn't going to go all the way might break me. I have yet to put myself out there in that way since that one time 5 years ago.

WAIT. Maybe that it? Risk? That due to the fact that this could be an actual real life adult relationship with feelings and all that crap, I'm actually just scared of getting hurt? I'm just afraid to take that leap and jump into something unknown. All I've been doing for the last 4 years is being shallow and lustful in my non-platonic relationships with men. I know nothing of real, true romance. All I can pray for now is that God leads me in the right direction. That His will is done here with me. That I can be an image of Him to whomever I cross paths with no matter who they are to me. I pray so heavily that God takes this relationship from me and my crazy controlling mind. I have no clue what I want, so I guess I should just work towards what I know God wants.

Talking To Your Mom.

Disclaimer: My head is in so many different places trying to write this all out and it is extremely intimate and personal. Read with caution as well forgiveness for how chopping my writing is.

Is everything that happens for a reason? Or is what's happening a test of my love? A test of my resistance, patience, commitment, selflessness, heart, and so many other things? Your love for God is so attractive. Seeing you grow into the man I prayed you would become is something that fills my heart with so much pride, respect and Storge love. You were always my friend first, and my best friend at that. The romantic feelings and the intimacy have clouded that fact from me for such a long time.

I could probably still use my powers over you to bring you down. However, I don't want to bring you down anymore than I already feel I have. The intimacy and romantic feelings we had and possibly still have for each other would just cloud every other thing we have on our horizon, and I know you have so much more to lose than I do. I don't care how lame it sounds, but the cliche saying "if you love it, let it go..." is so appropriate and exactly right for this situation. I feel as though I do really love you in the purest, hardest way and that intimacy really did cloud our true feelings and shifted the bases of what our relationship should have been centered on to a false idol of lust.

I will forever wonder why I still feel the way I do about you, though those feelings do fade away but come back to a certain degree so very often. I hate that I still occasionally dream of a life with you in it. I never thought that I would end up being "the other hand that always holds the line, connecting in between your sweet heart and mine," or that I would be the one thinking "ill be here when you come back down." I always saw me as the one going off and doing my thing while you waited for me to figure myself out. Which possibly makes this even harder? I am partly jealous you have it al going for you, all put together, that God gave you all the things I want and I still feel lost, floating, waiting for guidance. This just shows how appealing a man of God is.

But for now, I will be what you need me to be. A person to call whenever you need to chat, be encouraged, so forth. I will be there for you when you need me cause its almost a compliment that you choose to confide in me, after all this time. I can put my pride as well as my desire away for you. I will forever fight my desire to make this an equal relationship, but I know that is not attainable at this point in either of our lives. Timing is everything, and right now is the time for me to be a friend and nothing more. Also the time to try and let go of every other emotion or longing I have for our future and be in the here and now, not just in this aspect, but in every aspect of my life.

Your Love is Strong(er than a magnet).

Sometimes I imagine all the things I try to get rid of, and give to God instead, as being a magnet. As much as I try to get rid of this hurt and anger and frustration I am holding onto, it keeps forcing its way back to me to cling on. I pull it away, directing it towards the LORD, but as soon as I let go of it, it zooms right back at me, harder and faster. I spent my time savoring the hurt, now I want it gone. I want to walk into my living room with a smile instead of fearing what might be said to me and what I might say in response that might not show the characteristics I wish to reflect of Jesus'. I believe the LORD can demolish the magnet attraction I have to sorrow and my masochistic ways.

Thoughts in words helps cure all.

The Real World: Las Vegas

I feel like whenever the topic of my relationship with my father comes up in conversation, people are always saying something to me along the lines of, "Oh Sarah you're going to regret not spending time with him, life is so short," blah blah blah. Yes, I agree life is short, but I have yet to feel any twinge of desire to spend honest time with my father. To get to know him in any way. I have known him. The past 21 years I've known him. I've know him to be mean, abrasive, judgmental, controlling (where our big issue lies), abusive (in every way you can think), and so on. Now as an adult, I have been told stories about how he beat my brother and did not invite him to his and our mothers wedding. I have heard about how he decided since it was his house, he had the right to look through all my belongings. I have seen him lock me up as a child in my own home, not allowing me to participate in any extracurricular activities outside of our house. I have sat across from him and had him tell me he wants to control me. I have had him hit me and threaten my life if I ever spoke of it to anyone. I have had him almost kill the most precious thing in my life, my mother, and not really ever apologize for it. Excuse my bluntness, but I am just trying to make the world understand that not every relationship needs to be mended. I truly believe that I will never feel safe around him. Even in my preteen years, I knew he was not going to be the one walking me down the isle on my wedding day, that my brother would have that honor.

So when I hear people talk about working on their relationships with their parents after being abandoned or any other reason for their disconnection, I am glad for them. And of course I will understand where you're coming from if you think I should do the same. However, at this point in my life, I have NO desire to have any type of relationship with my abuser. With the man who decided money was more important than me, or thought his money would lure me back to his controlling arms. I understand my mind might change, but for now this is where I stand. This is where I will continue to stand for many years to come I believe.

I have an amazing family already in place. A gracious set of grandparents whom I love dearly, especially my grandpa who is like a father to me. My mother is my rock and gives me everything I desire despite our lack of finances. My brother is the biggest and best man I know, and has given me the most amazing sister(in law) I could ever ask for, seriously, along with their two amazing and crazy sons. This does not even take into account the multitude of unrelated family God has graced me with. Growing up, an amazing church family who, without them, I would certainly not be who I am today nor know what a good healthy family and relationship with God looks like. Then there is Tera, who has been my surrogate mother when times were rough, bringing me into her home when I wasn't sure I had a home of my own to go to and treating me like a fourth daughter.

I have a full life without my own biological father in the picture. Though this is far too romantic of me, I know when i find my husband, even more of whatever gap I have in my heart will be filled and God will present me with not only an awesome husband, but an amazing family to go with it. I can even look back at boys I have dated and know if that was just a boyfriends family, by husbands family is going to be so outstanding i can't even imagine it.

This is pretty much meant to say I don't feel like I am missing out on some great relationship world, because some things are just not meant to be. All that has gone on in my life has made me who I am to the fullest extent. Yeah I have some major daddy issues that play out in my relationships with other men, but I embrace that as a part of me as well and acknowledge it. However, I have life experience that has shaped my views and given me a heart for those in similar situations.

Degradation

I realize I'm the worst kind; a girl who can act confident and outgoing, but inside I am constantly doubting my every action and thought. I lack any shred of self confidence. You can see it in the way I constantly ask for affirmation, hating myself that it is so natural for me to ask for. You can see it in my lack of self control when it comes to certain things, not believing, but acting as though that comfort means more than what it is. I fall into my own traps. You can see it in the way I talk about myself with such ease, cutting people off mid story to relate to them selfishly. You can see it in the way I text when I am drunk. You can see it in the way my heart gets set on something, and when it doesn't work out, or there is any hint of a hiccup in my fantasy plan, I go into a deep downward spiral. I am constantly falling down some sort of rabbit hole, into a world I created.

I Feel It

It's over and I feel it. Finally. Not a good finally, but a sad, deny the truth kind of finally. I am bad at facing the truth. I live in my head and see reality, but my version of it. Many are this way, seeing only what they want to see, however I have never been in anyone else's head so I can't say completely that other people are this way as well. I see thing that are not there. I create feelings, whether good or bad, actions, eye contact, and meaning in things that never was substantially real in any way. I hurt myself this way. My perception of reality ends up making me a masochist of sorts I believe. I know what I do, though I do nothing to change it. I like the fairy tale I live in. I have this Taylor Swift outlook on love and life, and though it makes me who I am, and I am crying just thinking about losing that delicate part of me, it does nothing good for me nor anyone around me. Of course this all leads back to me not being able to let go of anything, even within myself. I never really thought I was controlling until I realized I am constantly controlling myself.

Anyways, back to it being over. It is. It fucking hurts. It will continue to hurt. I will and have found others to dig myself into to forget what real feelings feel like. I don't care how cliche and dumb I sound, but it sucks when you care so much about someone and they could care less about you. I know I did my fair share of wrong things, my selfishness can be blamed for it all. I wish I hadn't been so selfish. You deserved and do deserve so much better. Maybe I have it backwards. Maybe you cared and I was just riding my one way ticket to selfishtown, population me, and any cutie whose down to kiss. You are beautiful. And you will continue to become even more so. Though I completely disrespected your desires, I am so amazingly proud of you for having such commitment and determination to be better. I believe in you so much and I can't wait to see and hear where your life takes you. This is like saying goodbye, but I am praying, begging in my head to not let it be. I don't deserve that kind of grace from God, but I selfishly beg for it.

IIIII YOUYOUYOU HIMHIMHIM.

#fact

GlossyLoca Glossy Loca

If a guy acts weird after sexting, don't ever have real life sex with him. Unless you wanna get tooted and booted. #fact

Hey Ungraceful

Everyone always tells me I need to guard my heart. I literally have no idea how to do this. I know I have built up some sort of cardboard wall within the past few years from that one time I got really hurt, but as I let go of that, the cardboard starts to deteriorate. I equate guarding my heart with becoming hard, and I don't want to be hard. I want to be soft, I want to be open, I want to be ready and willing to love anyone who walks into my life as much and as hard as I possibly can. But thats not respected, is it? Its quite the opposite actually; its trampled on and spit on and used and discarded without a second thought.

This thought was brought on when I realized something that really sets me off: when somebody, usually a boy, makes plans with you, usually along the somewhat romantic or at least flirtatious nature, gets you so excited about it and makes almost definite plans, including what you're gonna do and around what time, continues to talk about it and hanging out for awhile, then says it may not happen and stops texting slash goes to sleep. Instantly, I fall apart. Therefore apparently, and for good reason, this is one of my tipping points. I expect this from certain people, all of them being men, but when someone new does it that I actually care about, it triggers that feeling he used to give me. He used to do the same thing. Exactly. Except he would start a fight with me to break off plans, or say its not right that we hang out. But you dear, you don't have that excuse. You used "I write back to slow." You asked me to be honest, and I was, and you made fun of me. No matter how many times it happens to me, it still breaks my heart every time I am put in this position of trust misused and manipulated. Is it a game? Is that how you think of it? I know you like control, so I let you have it. But in these situations you want me to take the lead. Is that so you can blame me when looking back? That I let it keep going, that in your mind I was the leader of this indulgence? You use my inability to lie as an advantage in the informal plan for my demise. You may not set out to view it this way, but I know you better than you think I do, and vice vera. You will look back and regret. You will feel better because you know I share the brunt of the blame. I have gone through this same situation a thousand times with someone else. I think these tears are a mixture of shock, disappointment, and heartbreak. I thought you would be better, smarter, sweeter, more of a man. I hope I am wrong in accusing you of not being those things. I hope this is pain over nothing. I know its unfair to you that I feel this way, but this might be the end of our renewed friendship if you do lead me on this way and this hard, just to bail on set plans, when you said "I want your company usually," like you've been bummed we haven't been able to hang out. UHG.

You Don't Even Know

More Than Anything

More than any fruitless venting or beating myself up all night tonight that I had planned, this is so on point for what I needed to see and hear and read and feel tonight. It eases the intense claustrophobia rolling over me in a thick blanket and the feeling that I am worthless because I am pining. I am not worthless and I can breathe.

"Albert Einsteins theory of love.

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man you love but with the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being. To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."

Dumb Thoughts

There may be more fish in the sea, but it seems as though I'm stuck in this bucket.

It's Been A Long Time

Since I've been had properly. But I don't want to be had just for the hell of it. Which is why whenever some guy shows me he wants me, I'm never quite into it. I don't want sex without Love, and love enhances sex. I'm a tease for kissing you all. But I never kept from any that I was still a virgin. I say it outright. Before anything even happens. I don't want to give you any false hopes, though I am sure my other actions do. And because I know what I want means I may never get what I want. I can say I know the poetical that is in Love, especially combined with sex. I can admit I have been close to it. Touched it. Lost it. That poetical gives me such hope its unbelievable. Such lust and passion that will be unquenchable till that marvelous day.

We Can't Be In Love Like The Movies

Fell in love with the movie Young Victoria.

I'm such a fuckin softie.

OCD

I really enjoy making lists. Even more filling in other peoples lists and making To Do lists for other people. As dumb and Myspacey as it sounds, when I come across a good fill in list that I can convey myself in, I have this disgusting selfish urge to fill it in, especially when it helps me procrastinate. So here it goes. You don't have to listen.

Sad songs I love:

• When You Come Back Down - Nickel Creek
• I Know You Know - Punch Brothers
• Void - Tristan Prettyman

Favourite meal of the day, month of the year, day of the week:

• Breakfast
• May
• Sunday

My three biggest character flaws:

• Selfish with love.
• Having no self control
• Being too hopeful

Happy songs I love:

• Live To Tell The Tale and/or Let Your Love Grow Tall - Passion Pit
• I've Been Gone A Long Time - Every Time I Die
• Animal Tracks - Mountain Man

Favourite body parts:

• Lips; the expressions that convey with the slightest movement and the things they are capable of.
• Shoulders.
• Rib Cage area.

Dream jobs:

• Fashion Stylist/buyer/merchandiser.
• Candid Photographer
• Food critic

Best sounds:

• The sound of cleats on pavement
• people singing together
• crunching leaves

Things that terrify/fascinate me:

• birth pains
• peoples complete apathy
• The 2012 Obsession

A Change of Attitude

The shift from the way I used to take it all personally and take on the feeling of rejection as a piece of myself to being someone who can let go is taking place! I don't want to get too far ahead of myself an give myself too much credit yet, but I feel the change occurring in me. I've been at the crossroads, seen down each path, and taken the one with far less baggage when I usually try and lug as many emotions as I can down the other path, which by the way is all uphill. The thing is though, that choice was just on a minor issue. Though I was really excited, I wasn't necessarily invested emotionally in this issue. Which makes me fear when other bigger issues come to a divide and I do end up feeling horribly rejected and lead on as the case may be, that I will have a much harder time deciding, and tumble up the wrong path, and end up tangled in the baggage I brought along with me, the emotions I packed while excited for this new adventure.

Catiy really gave me a good lesson in this, her always being busy or forgetting she had prior plan, bless her heart. The whole, 'If I really love this person, I won't get upset because what is that really helping?' I am exceptionally thankful to her for all the life lessons she taught me unintentionally, and for showing me the truest friendship I have ever had, and of course continue to have. Wah wah wah.