Pride & Ego Detain Us All

At the very least I can walk away from this knowing I did all I could to try and communicate (communication: told to be the key of any relationship) myself, my feelings and my actions to this person. Yet have come to realize, again, that I have no control over what another human does. I can only put myself out there so much and be rejected so much, hopefully making it clear to said person that I am open to further communication. However, like hitting yourself against a brick wall over and over and never learning how badly its hurting you, rejection never sticks. Or does it? Or did you give me just enough hope to make me believe that there was still a chance to fix this?

Even thinking that you could not care, after 3 months of nothing but, is entirely mind boggling to me. How did this happen? I know what I did, but was that statement really so altering that it changed your feelings and thoughts about me? Personally, I was enjoying this relationship more than I had enjoyed any in so long. I was excited about it actually. I relished our capabilities to have a long distance, thriving relationship. Every day I felt more affection towards you and missed you more.

What sucks the most is over the past two plus weeks I have thought about this nonstop. What can I do, say, whatever, to make this work again? It has taken up so much of my mind its sad actually. I have thought so much about what to say to you and of course every time its different. First they started as excuses for my actions and words. Then they changed into something else, something that felt so weird to me. I decided that if you needed me to commit or whatever, I would do it. Perhaps unknowingly to you, but this is what I was scared most of; taking that leap into commitment where I had the potential to have my heart broken, yet again.

Now that i have admitted my huge friggin fear of getting hurt, I'll admit my other fear that might make way less sense to any normal person, but I would hope that you being the understanding, stand up dude that you are (or I thought you were at this point) would totally get. Because I felt so strongly for you and that it wasn't completely all romantic, it was a great flourishing friendship as well, and I have a past tarnished with relationship getting fuck up from getting lost in the physical stuff, I had a huge wall up when it came to that. Even the small stuff like cuddling on the couch was a big deal to me when it came to you. I know how I work and I know how easily it is for me to get sucked into that stuff because it feels so good. Lust is my biggest sin, my biggest downfall, and I didn't wanna risk us getting fucked up because I can't control myself once that box is opened. Like, really, I mean it, I can't. Thus because, I admit it, I wasn't 100% sure what we were doing, I didn't want to get anywhere near the physical stuff until the emotional shish was figured out. We never had the DTR and you never really told me how you felt about me, therefore I was too scared to tell you any of my feelings either. I was (and I guess kinda still am) in a place where I was uncertain about you, and I had no desire to drag not only the other stuff we had built up together, but also something that is more sacred to you, through the mud.

I totally get if this sounds all deep an crazy, but thats who I am; deep and crazy. I got a lot of shit going on in my heart and my brain that even I don't always get, thus I don't expect many to understand where I am coming from most of the time. But I hope now you get it a bit. I know this is SO over, but I had to get all of this out before I drowned myself in the heaviness of it all.

I wish you everything good and shiny. We could have had a great love, but I'm excited for your truest great love (and mine of course too) that has yet to come. This is gonna fuckin hurt for a long as time because I did share a lot emotionally and invest a lot into you, but I hope we both learned great things from it. I hate this feeling of "I know its not over," but facing the reality that it really is.