Maybe it was because it was too simple. Too easy. Too right in front of me, no need for me to work. I don't feel any passion, any magnetic draw that I pair easily with lust. I'm not used to not lusting after someone with fiery enthusiasm. Part of me thinks that its a blessing; lust has always been my biggest temptation and not having it here, with this person, might be for the best. That perhaps that lust will grow with time to become something deeper and greater than I could have ever thought. Thats just wishful thinking however, not something I know for fact. That risk of putting myself out there only to find this wasn't going to go all the way might break me. I have yet to put myself out there in that way since that one time 5 years ago.
WAIT. Maybe that it? Risk? That due to the fact that this could be an actual real life adult relationship with feelings and all that crap, I'm actually just scared of getting hurt? I'm just afraid to take that leap and jump into something unknown. All I've been doing for the last 4 years is being shallow and lustful in my non-platonic relationships with men. I know nothing of real, true romance. All I can pray for now is that God leads me in the right direction. That His will is done here with me. That I can be an image of Him to whomever I cross paths with no matter who they are to me. I pray so heavily that God takes this relationship from me and my crazy controlling mind. I have no clue what I want, so I guess I should just work towards what I know God wants.
