Talking To Your Mom.

Disclaimer: My head is in so many different places trying to write this all out and it is extremely intimate and personal. Read with caution as well forgiveness for how chopping my writing is.

Is everything that happens for a reason? Or is what's happening a test of my love? A test of my resistance, patience, commitment, selflessness, heart, and so many other things? Your love for God is so attractive. Seeing you grow into the man I prayed you would become is something that fills my heart with so much pride, respect and Storge love. You were always my friend first, and my best friend at that. The romantic feelings and the intimacy have clouded that fact from me for such a long time.

I could probably still use my powers over you to bring you down. However, I don't want to bring you down anymore than I already feel I have. The intimacy and romantic feelings we had and possibly still have for each other would just cloud every other thing we have on our horizon, and I know you have so much more to lose than I do. I don't care how lame it sounds, but the cliche saying "if you love it, let it go..." is so appropriate and exactly right for this situation. I feel as though I do really love you in the purest, hardest way and that intimacy really did cloud our true feelings and shifted the bases of what our relationship should have been centered on to a false idol of lust.

I will forever wonder why I still feel the way I do about you, though those feelings do fade away but come back to a certain degree so very often. I hate that I still occasionally dream of a life with you in it. I never thought that I would end up being "the other hand that always holds the line, connecting in between your sweet heart and mine," or that I would be the one thinking "ill be here when you come back down." I always saw me as the one going off and doing my thing while you waited for me to figure myself out. Which possibly makes this even harder? I am partly jealous you have it al going for you, all put together, that God gave you all the things I want and I still feel lost, floating, waiting for guidance. This just shows how appealing a man of God is.

But for now, I will be what you need me to be. A person to call whenever you need to chat, be encouraged, so forth. I will be there for you when you need me cause its almost a compliment that you choose to confide in me, after all this time. I can put my pride as well as my desire away for you. I will forever fight my desire to make this an equal relationship, but I know that is not attainable at this point in either of our lives. Timing is everything, and right now is the time for me to be a friend and nothing more. Also the time to try and let go of every other emotion or longing I have for our future and be in the here and now, not just in this aspect, but in every aspect of my life.