The Real World: Las Vegas

I feel like whenever the topic of my relationship with my father comes up in conversation, people are always saying something to me along the lines of, "Oh Sarah you're going to regret not spending time with him, life is so short," blah blah blah. Yes, I agree life is short, but I have yet to feel any twinge of desire to spend honest time with my father. To get to know him in any way. I have known him. The past 21 years I've known him. I've know him to be mean, abrasive, judgmental, controlling (where our big issue lies), abusive (in every way you can think), and so on. Now as an adult, I have been told stories about how he beat my brother and did not invite him to his and our mothers wedding. I have heard about how he decided since it was his house, he had the right to look through all my belongings. I have seen him lock me up as a child in my own home, not allowing me to participate in any extracurricular activities outside of our house. I have sat across from him and had him tell me he wants to control me. I have had him hit me and threaten my life if I ever spoke of it to anyone. I have had him almost kill the most precious thing in my life, my mother, and not really ever apologize for it. Excuse my bluntness, but I am just trying to make the world understand that not every relationship needs to be mended. I truly believe that I will never feel safe around him. Even in my preteen years, I knew he was not going to be the one walking me down the isle on my wedding day, that my brother would have that honor.

So when I hear people talk about working on their relationships with their parents after being abandoned or any other reason for their disconnection, I am glad for them. And of course I will understand where you're coming from if you think I should do the same. However, at this point in my life, I have NO desire to have any type of relationship with my abuser. With the man who decided money was more important than me, or thought his money would lure me back to his controlling arms. I understand my mind might change, but for now this is where I stand. This is where I will continue to stand for many years to come I believe.

I have an amazing family already in place. A gracious set of grandparents whom I love dearly, especially my grandpa who is like a father to me. My mother is my rock and gives me everything I desire despite our lack of finances. My brother is the biggest and best man I know, and has given me the most amazing sister(in law) I could ever ask for, seriously, along with their two amazing and crazy sons. This does not even take into account the multitude of unrelated family God has graced me with. Growing up, an amazing church family who, without them, I would certainly not be who I am today nor know what a good healthy family and relationship with God looks like. Then there is Tera, who has been my surrogate mother when times were rough, bringing me into her home when I wasn't sure I had a home of my own to go to and treating me like a fourth daughter.

I have a full life without my own biological father in the picture. Though this is far too romantic of me, I know when i find my husband, even more of whatever gap I have in my heart will be filled and God will present me with not only an awesome husband, but an amazing family to go with it. I can even look back at boys I have dated and know if that was just a boyfriends family, by husbands family is going to be so outstanding i can't even imagine it.

This is pretty much meant to say I don't feel like I am missing out on some great relationship world, because some things are just not meant to be. All that has gone on in my life has made me who I am to the fullest extent. Yeah I have some major daddy issues that play out in my relationships with other men, but I embrace that as a part of me as well and acknowledge it. However, I have life experience that has shaped my views and given me a heart for those in similar situations.