Pride & Ego Detain Us All

At the very least I can walk away from this knowing I did all I could to try and communicate (communication: told to be the key of any relationship) myself, my feelings and my actions to this person. Yet have come to realize, again, that I have no control over what another human does. I can only put myself out there so much and be rejected so much, hopefully making it clear to said person that I am open to further communication. However, like hitting yourself against a brick wall over and over and never learning how badly its hurting you, rejection never sticks. Or does it? Or did you give me just enough hope to make me believe that there was still a chance to fix this?

Even thinking that you could not care, after 3 months of nothing but, is entirely mind boggling to me. How did this happen? I know what I did, but was that statement really so altering that it changed your feelings and thoughts about me? Personally, I was enjoying this relationship more than I had enjoyed any in so long. I was excited about it actually. I relished our capabilities to have a long distance, thriving relationship. Every day I felt more affection towards you and missed you more.

What sucks the most is over the past two plus weeks I have thought about this nonstop. What can I do, say, whatever, to make this work again? It has taken up so much of my mind its sad actually. I have thought so much about what to say to you and of course every time its different. First they started as excuses for my actions and words. Then they changed into something else, something that felt so weird to me. I decided that if you needed me to commit or whatever, I would do it. Perhaps unknowingly to you, but this is what I was scared most of; taking that leap into commitment where I had the potential to have my heart broken, yet again.

Now that i have admitted my huge friggin fear of getting hurt, I'll admit my other fear that might make way less sense to any normal person, but I would hope that you being the understanding, stand up dude that you are (or I thought you were at this point) would totally get. Because I felt so strongly for you and that it wasn't completely all romantic, it was a great flourishing friendship as well, and I have a past tarnished with relationship getting fuck up from getting lost in the physical stuff, I had a huge wall up when it came to that. Even the small stuff like cuddling on the couch was a big deal to me when it came to you. I know how I work and I know how easily it is for me to get sucked into that stuff because it feels so good. Lust is my biggest sin, my biggest downfall, and I didn't wanna risk us getting fucked up because I can't control myself once that box is opened. Like, really, I mean it, I can't. Thus because, I admit it, I wasn't 100% sure what we were doing, I didn't want to get anywhere near the physical stuff until the emotional shish was figured out. We never had the DTR and you never really told me how you felt about me, therefore I was too scared to tell you any of my feelings either. I was (and I guess kinda still am) in a place where I was uncertain about you, and I had no desire to drag not only the other stuff we had built up together, but also something that is more sacred to you, through the mud.

I totally get if this sounds all deep an crazy, but thats who I am; deep and crazy. I got a lot of shit going on in my heart and my brain that even I don't always get, thus I don't expect many to understand where I am coming from most of the time. But I hope now you get it a bit. I know this is SO over, but I had to get all of this out before I drowned myself in the heaviness of it all.

I wish you everything good and shiny. We could have had a great love, but I'm excited for your truest great love (and mine of course too) that has yet to come. This is gonna fuckin hurt for a long as time because I did share a lot emotionally and invest a lot into you, but I hope we both learned great things from it. I hate this feeling of "I know its not over," but facing the reality that it really is.

Sometimes I wonder if you think the same way I do about you. About how what I have with you is like nothing else I have ever had with anyone else. However, I have time still to find that, and hope that there is something more amazing than you out there. I totally believe it is possible. Even right now I have great, huge hope that what I am working with now will be better than you. But still, WHY do I still feel this strongly? WHYTHEFUCKDOI? I don't want to be stuck here. I have been ready and I am SO ready for the next step.

Ive had this revelation about my life recently, about where I am headed and what I am passionate about. With that, I didn't have the desire to tell you, like, at all. I had the desire to tell my best friend, and the boy who cares about me more than anyone else has in a LONG time. I am happy. I am so incredibly hopeful about my future its insane. However, I wonder more often than I'd like to admit if you wonder about me the same way I wonder about you. If you have found something that has ever compared to what we've had. I know you've had more serious things than I have, but still, I have no idea what goes on in your brain anymore. I don't know if you had the same anxiety yet intense excitement like I had when we visited.

UHG. THIS IS DUMB.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWestNF1Ihw

All I Know Is I Don't Know

I realized I don't have room in my heart for someone else right now. For someone who can rely on me and vice versa. I can't be that or do that now, at this point in my life. I have my heart filled by my family and my best friend, not to mention the LORD. Simplicity was always my favorite and this feeling of being satisfied and filled by solely them embodies that perfectly. Its insane how when I finally find someone who is worth all the love I have to give, I can't do it. I can't give in. I can't let him in and I am unable to give him any part of me that means anything, even the physical stuff. Timing is everything I have come to realize. That and communication is key. It hurts me so badly to know that I can't give someone something they deserve.

Maybe it was because it was too simple. Too easy. Too right in front of me, no need for me to work. I don't feel any passion, any magnetic draw that I pair easily with lust. I'm not used to not lusting after someone with fiery enthusiasm. Part of me thinks that its a blessing; lust has always been my biggest temptation and not having it here, with this person, might be for the best. That perhaps that lust will grow with time to become something deeper and greater than I could have ever thought. Thats just wishful thinking however, not something I know for fact. That risk of putting myself out there only to find this wasn't going to go all the way might break me. I have yet to put myself out there in that way since that one time 5 years ago.

WAIT. Maybe that it? Risk? That due to the fact that this could be an actual real life adult relationship with feelings and all that crap, I'm actually just scared of getting hurt? I'm just afraid to take that leap and jump into something unknown. All I've been doing for the last 4 years is being shallow and lustful in my non-platonic relationships with men. I know nothing of real, true romance. All I can pray for now is that God leads me in the right direction. That His will is done here with me. That I can be an image of Him to whomever I cross paths with no matter who they are to me. I pray so heavily that God takes this relationship from me and my crazy controlling mind. I have no clue what I want, so I guess I should just work towards what I know God wants.

Talking To Your Mom.

Disclaimer: My head is in so many different places trying to write this all out and it is extremely intimate and personal. Read with caution as well forgiveness for how chopping my writing is.

Is everything that happens for a reason? Or is what's happening a test of my love? A test of my resistance, patience, commitment, selflessness, heart, and so many other things? Your love for God is so attractive. Seeing you grow into the man I prayed you would become is something that fills my heart with so much pride, respect and Storge love. You were always my friend first, and my best friend at that. The romantic feelings and the intimacy have clouded that fact from me for such a long time.

I could probably still use my powers over you to bring you down. However, I don't want to bring you down anymore than I already feel I have. The intimacy and romantic feelings we had and possibly still have for each other would just cloud every other thing we have on our horizon, and I know you have so much more to lose than I do. I don't care how lame it sounds, but the cliche saying "if you love it, let it go..." is so appropriate and exactly right for this situation. I feel as though I do really love you in the purest, hardest way and that intimacy really did cloud our true feelings and shifted the bases of what our relationship should have been centered on to a false idol of lust.

I will forever wonder why I still feel the way I do about you, though those feelings do fade away but come back to a certain degree so very often. I hate that I still occasionally dream of a life with you in it. I never thought that I would end up being "the other hand that always holds the line, connecting in between your sweet heart and mine," or that I would be the one thinking "ill be here when you come back down." I always saw me as the one going off and doing my thing while you waited for me to figure myself out. Which possibly makes this even harder? I am partly jealous you have it al going for you, all put together, that God gave you all the things I want and I still feel lost, floating, waiting for guidance. This just shows how appealing a man of God is.

But for now, I will be what you need me to be. A person to call whenever you need to chat, be encouraged, so forth. I will be there for you when you need me cause its almost a compliment that you choose to confide in me, after all this time. I can put my pride as well as my desire away for you. I will forever fight my desire to make this an equal relationship, but I know that is not attainable at this point in either of our lives. Timing is everything, and right now is the time for me to be a friend and nothing more. Also the time to try and let go of every other emotion or longing I have for our future and be in the here and now, not just in this aspect, but in every aspect of my life.

Your Love is Strong(er than a magnet).

Sometimes I imagine all the things I try to get rid of, and give to God instead, as being a magnet. As much as I try to get rid of this hurt and anger and frustration I am holding onto, it keeps forcing its way back to me to cling on. I pull it away, directing it towards the LORD, but as soon as I let go of it, it zooms right back at me, harder and faster. I spent my time savoring the hurt, now I want it gone. I want to walk into my living room with a smile instead of fearing what might be said to me and what I might say in response that might not show the characteristics I wish to reflect of Jesus'. I believe the LORD can demolish the magnet attraction I have to sorrow and my masochistic ways.

Thoughts in words helps cure all.

The Real World: Las Vegas

I feel like whenever the topic of my relationship with my father comes up in conversation, people are always saying something to me along the lines of, "Oh Sarah you're going to regret not spending time with him, life is so short," blah blah blah. Yes, I agree life is short, but I have yet to feel any twinge of desire to spend honest time with my father. To get to know him in any way. I have known him. The past 21 years I've known him. I've know him to be mean, abrasive, judgmental, controlling (where our big issue lies), abusive (in every way you can think), and so on. Now as an adult, I have been told stories about how he beat my brother and did not invite him to his and our mothers wedding. I have heard about how he decided since it was his house, he had the right to look through all my belongings. I have seen him lock me up as a child in my own home, not allowing me to participate in any extracurricular activities outside of our house. I have sat across from him and had him tell me he wants to control me. I have had him hit me and threaten my life if I ever spoke of it to anyone. I have had him almost kill the most precious thing in my life, my mother, and not really ever apologize for it. Excuse my bluntness, but I am just trying to make the world understand that not every relationship needs to be mended. I truly believe that I will never feel safe around him. Even in my preteen years, I knew he was not going to be the one walking me down the isle on my wedding day, that my brother would have that honor.

So when I hear people talk about working on their relationships with their parents after being abandoned or any other reason for their disconnection, I am glad for them. And of course I will understand where you're coming from if you think I should do the same. However, at this point in my life, I have NO desire to have any type of relationship with my abuser. With the man who decided money was more important than me, or thought his money would lure me back to his controlling arms. I understand my mind might change, but for now this is where I stand. This is where I will continue to stand for many years to come I believe.

I have an amazing family already in place. A gracious set of grandparents whom I love dearly, especially my grandpa who is like a father to me. My mother is my rock and gives me everything I desire despite our lack of finances. My brother is the biggest and best man I know, and has given me the most amazing sister(in law) I could ever ask for, seriously, along with their two amazing and crazy sons. This does not even take into account the multitude of unrelated family God has graced me with. Growing up, an amazing church family who, without them, I would certainly not be who I am today nor know what a good healthy family and relationship with God looks like. Then there is Tera, who has been my surrogate mother when times were rough, bringing me into her home when I wasn't sure I had a home of my own to go to and treating me like a fourth daughter.

I have a full life without my own biological father in the picture. Though this is far too romantic of me, I know when i find my husband, even more of whatever gap I have in my heart will be filled and God will present me with not only an awesome husband, but an amazing family to go with it. I can even look back at boys I have dated and know if that was just a boyfriends family, by husbands family is going to be so outstanding i can't even imagine it.

This is pretty much meant to say I don't feel like I am missing out on some great relationship world, because some things are just not meant to be. All that has gone on in my life has made me who I am to the fullest extent. Yeah I have some major daddy issues that play out in my relationships with other men, but I embrace that as a part of me as well and acknowledge it. However, I have life experience that has shaped my views and given me a heart for those in similar situations.

Degradation

I realize I'm the worst kind; a girl who can act confident and outgoing, but inside I am constantly doubting my every action and thought. I lack any shred of self confidence. You can see it in the way I constantly ask for affirmation, hating myself that it is so natural for me to ask for. You can see it in my lack of self control when it comes to certain things, not believing, but acting as though that comfort means more than what it is. I fall into my own traps. You can see it in the way I talk about myself with such ease, cutting people off mid story to relate to them selfishly. You can see it in the way I text when I am drunk. You can see it in the way my heart gets set on something, and when it doesn't work out, or there is any hint of a hiccup in my fantasy plan, I go into a deep downward spiral. I am constantly falling down some sort of rabbit hole, into a world I created.