I Feel It

It's over and I feel it. Finally. Not a good finally, but a sad, deny the truth kind of finally. I am bad at facing the truth. I live in my head and see reality, but my version of it. Many are this way, seeing only what they want to see, however I have never been in anyone else's head so I can't say completely that other people are this way as well. I see thing that are not there. I create feelings, whether good or bad, actions, eye contact, and meaning in things that never was substantially real in any way. I hurt myself this way. My perception of reality ends up making me a masochist of sorts I believe. I know what I do, though I do nothing to change it. I like the fairy tale I live in. I have this Taylor Swift outlook on love and life, and though it makes me who I am, and I am crying just thinking about losing that delicate part of me, it does nothing good for me nor anyone around me. Of course this all leads back to me not being able to let go of anything, even within myself. I never really thought I was controlling until I realized I am constantly controlling myself.

Anyways, back to it being over. It is. It fucking hurts. It will continue to hurt. I will and have found others to dig myself into to forget what real feelings feel like. I don't care how cliche and dumb I sound, but it sucks when you care so much about someone and they could care less about you. I know I did my fair share of wrong things, my selfishness can be blamed for it all. I wish I hadn't been so selfish. You deserved and do deserve so much better. Maybe I have it backwards. Maybe you cared and I was just riding my one way ticket to selfishtown, population me, and any cutie whose down to kiss. You are beautiful. And you will continue to become even more so. Though I completely disrespected your desires, I am so amazingly proud of you for having such commitment and determination to be better. I believe in you so much and I can't wait to see and hear where your life takes you. This is like saying goodbye, but I am praying, begging in my head to not let it be. I don't deserve that kind of grace from God, but I selfishly beg for it.

IIIII YOUYOUYOU HIMHIMHIM.