Hey Ungraceful

Everyone always tells me I need to guard my heart. I literally have no idea how to do this. I know I have built up some sort of cardboard wall within the past few years from that one time I got really hurt, but as I let go of that, the cardboard starts to deteriorate. I equate guarding my heart with becoming hard, and I don't want to be hard. I want to be soft, I want to be open, I want to be ready and willing to love anyone who walks into my life as much and as hard as I possibly can. But thats not respected, is it? Its quite the opposite actually; its trampled on and spit on and used and discarded without a second thought.

This thought was brought on when I realized something that really sets me off: when somebody, usually a boy, makes plans with you, usually along the somewhat romantic or at least flirtatious nature, gets you so excited about it and makes almost definite plans, including what you're gonna do and around what time, continues to talk about it and hanging out for awhile, then says it may not happen and stops texting slash goes to sleep. Instantly, I fall apart. Therefore apparently, and for good reason, this is one of my tipping points. I expect this from certain people, all of them being men, but when someone new does it that I actually care about, it triggers that feeling he used to give me. He used to do the same thing. Exactly. Except he would start a fight with me to break off plans, or say its not right that we hang out. But you dear, you don't have that excuse. You used "I write back to slow." You asked me to be honest, and I was, and you made fun of me. No matter how many times it happens to me, it still breaks my heart every time I am put in this position of trust misused and manipulated. Is it a game? Is that how you think of it? I know you like control, so I let you have it. But in these situations you want me to take the lead. Is that so you can blame me when looking back? That I let it keep going, that in your mind I was the leader of this indulgence? You use my inability to lie as an advantage in the informal plan for my demise. You may not set out to view it this way, but I know you better than you think I do, and vice vera. You will look back and regret. You will feel better because you know I share the brunt of the blame. I have gone through this same situation a thousand times with someone else. I think these tears are a mixture of shock, disappointment, and heartbreak. I thought you would be better, smarter, sweeter, more of a man. I hope I am wrong in accusing you of not being those things. I hope this is pain over nothing. I know its unfair to you that I feel this way, but this might be the end of our renewed friendship if you do lead me on this way and this hard, just to bail on set plans, when you said "I want your company usually," like you've been bummed we haven't been able to hang out. UHG.