Starts With A Boy, But It Always Ends With God.

Right now I feel as if I’m stuck in limbo. Will He? Won’t He? Should I? I hate this part. This is the part I suck at. I can’t flirt properly and just end up saying too much or not enough. Being too blunt or staying inside my head and saying things that make no sense to anyone but me, which tends to happen more often than not. If I could make someone fall in love with my buy kissing, I would do it in a heartbeat, especially in this situation. Am I a rare breed because I commit so easily and freely in this world, or generation of comittaphobes? Because I am not afraid to give my heart to someone, I am not afraid to be broken. Or does that just make me foolish? Naive. Or simply a masochist, which I already know I am through years of experience. I am just coming to heads again with the one way I know how to hurt myself best; in love.
Anyways, back to the whole “I ruin everything I touch” rant that started this all. I am hopeless, in every way. I have come to realize that this thing that happened to me years ago is not finished and might never be finished. I have barely dealt with it, but yet I have no idea where to start to do whatever needs to be done for it to be over with. I truly believe it is something I will forever be dealing with. Abuse. Fear. Contempt. Unforgettable(in the bad way). Even though I dislike admitting it and don’t totally believe it to be true, Hatred. I believe in the words that we can never be complete with someone else until we are complete within ourselves, and I think this huge, bigger than me issue is holding me back, and God knows it. God wants me to give it to him, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to give up fear over being homeless, fear of being kidnapped by my abuser, fear for my mothers safety and our sanity, fear for my future children who I will never trust in the hands of either of my parents.
These things are the things that keep me from finding a boy, no matter how dumb and childish that makes me sound. I LOVE loving someone, and I get as much love as I can out to the friends around me, but they are not always as receptive as I desire, nor do they reciprocate the love I try to give. I always hear the ol’ save that love for your husband bit, but honestly, this love I have inside of me gets to the point where I physically feel as if I am going to burst. I am in need of an outlet for this flood of love constantly pouring through my body, because I am sick of it coming out in the form of tears of frustration. I need that push from God telling me where to focus my love. I need that financial support from my abuser to follow through with whatever mission I am given. I desire that support and love from a companion when I do feel as though what I have to give is not good enough.
I feel as though what I have to give is not good enough. Which of course, ties back to boys. And my anxiety with the whole will he wont he bruhaha. The intense insecurities I wish I could just skip and dive right into the rest of my life. I am bad at hiding how I really feel, and in boy situations, its one of my biggest downfalls. UHG I hate myself for being like this. For being so shallow. But i do love the eye contact. And perfecting my shy flirt I'm thinking about you smile. Oh dear.