So You Know When... Well, I Guess You Wouldn't.

I feel like I am alone in this way of thinking, but maybe someone somewhere out there knows what I mean. I have this habit, you see, that happen when I really want someone to get to know me or I have something important to tell them, or pretty much always, of having a conversation with that person in my head. Sadly, it usually ends up being one sided because I have no clue how the other person is going to respond to what I am telling them. My latest conversation happened in the shower just now, to a particular person about my past interactions with other boys. I was explaining how I don't consider myself a slut because I do not sleep around, nor do I do anything more than kissing in most or all circumstances. The reason I was having that "conversation" is because I am deeply afraid that my past indiscretions will really make an impact on my prospects, though I feel there is very little need for them to be any issue at all, mostly due t the fact that I have only ever "loved" one other person and that has been the only relationship that would end up being an issue. Other than the fact that I am getting totally ahead of myself with feeling like these are things I need to speak about with this certain individual, I realized why i do such things.
It all has to do with my inability to process things as they happen, therefore always wanting to be prepared, and my need to process everything externally, i.g., writing my thoughts down so they are not just swimming around aimlessly in my head.
Anyways, I have had conversations with almost anyone I really cared about, always about some issue I feel they would judge me on, which is somewhat disheartening thinking I am that afraid of the people I love judging me, and me having to explain why I did such-and-such. It is my self-doubt. My downfall. My constant second guessing of every thought I have and every word I speak, which is reason why I feel as though I am constantly making a fool of myself.

Starts With A Boy, But It Always Ends With God.

Right now I feel as if I’m stuck in limbo. Will He? Won’t He? Should I? I hate this part. This is the part I suck at. I can’t flirt properly and just end up saying too much or not enough. Being too blunt or staying inside my head and saying things that make no sense to anyone but me, which tends to happen more often than not. If I could make someone fall in love with my buy kissing, I would do it in a heartbeat, especially in this situation. Am I a rare breed because I commit so easily and freely in this world, or generation of comittaphobes? Because I am not afraid to give my heart to someone, I am not afraid to be broken. Or does that just make me foolish? Naive. Or simply a masochist, which I already know I am through years of experience. I am just coming to heads again with the one way I know how to hurt myself best; in love.
Anyways, back to the whole “I ruin everything I touch” rant that started this all. I am hopeless, in every way. I have come to realize that this thing that happened to me years ago is not finished and might never be finished. I have barely dealt with it, but yet I have no idea where to start to do whatever needs to be done for it to be over with. I truly believe it is something I will forever be dealing with. Abuse. Fear. Contempt. Unforgettable(in the bad way). Even though I dislike admitting it and don’t totally believe it to be true, Hatred. I believe in the words that we can never be complete with someone else until we are complete within ourselves, and I think this huge, bigger than me issue is holding me back, and God knows it. God wants me to give it to him, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to give up fear over being homeless, fear of being kidnapped by my abuser, fear for my mothers safety and our sanity, fear for my future children who I will never trust in the hands of either of my parents.
These things are the things that keep me from finding a boy, no matter how dumb and childish that makes me sound. I LOVE loving someone, and I get as much love as I can out to the friends around me, but they are not always as receptive as I desire, nor do they reciprocate the love I try to give. I always hear the ol’ save that love for your husband bit, but honestly, this love I have inside of me gets to the point where I physically feel as if I am going to burst. I am in need of an outlet for this flood of love constantly pouring through my body, because I am sick of it coming out in the form of tears of frustration. I need that push from God telling me where to focus my love. I need that financial support from my abuser to follow through with whatever mission I am given. I desire that support and love from a companion when I do feel as though what I have to give is not good enough.
I feel as though what I have to give is not good enough. Which of course, ties back to boys. And my anxiety with the whole will he wont he bruhaha. The intense insecurities I wish I could just skip and dive right into the rest of my life. I am bad at hiding how I really feel, and in boy situations, its one of my biggest downfalls. UHG I hate myself for being like this. For being so shallow. But i do love the eye contact. And perfecting my shy flirt I'm thinking about you smile. Oh dear.

Invading my Dreams.

I had an interesting dream last night, or technically this morning. Here it goes.

Started in the side parking lot of Freemont Presbyterian, in current time so all the families I saw had kids that had grown up. Not sure of the family i saw was the Taylors or the Shanons family, but I got in the back of their car, or trunk, that was a jean cover you had to unbutton and we drove around the corner down H to the walking bridge that goes over the river from CSUS.
On the way there, in the car in front of us, was Dan driving, I think Spencer in the passenger seat, and of course Kevin in the back of the hatchback they were driving He turns around and does a weird finger wave to our car. I don't think he realizes I am there and I just look at him quizzically.
We were there for a wedding I guess. I felt really awkward because all these people I hadn't seen in so long and they didn't remember me. Then the wedding party comes in, and its a large party. I believe they were Czech? Anyways, there is the water area right where the levee should dip down towards the river that is reminiscent of the wave pool at waterworld or sunsplash. They walk into the water, and get in position. I realize then that its my old friends Dillion and Daltons family wedding. Their younger cousins who look exactly like them at the age I knew them run in to be in the wedding party. They end up doing a few dance numbers in the water before the ceremony. But during the first number, this band of boys in old River Park soccer jerseys come to join the crowd of those there to watch the wedding. And who is in that group but non other than Kevin. I freak out in my head, but then my childhood best friend Zach shows up at my side looking far different aka far more attractive from the last time I saw him. I talk to him, knowing obviously he is close friends with Dillion and Daltons family, but being constantly aware that kevin is a mere ten yards away or less, but still paying very close attention to the dances that are going on and Zach, my best friend I haven't seen in forever.
This is where I get woken up by my alarm.