I Feel It

It's over and I feel it. Finally. Not a good finally, but a sad, deny the truth kind of finally. I am bad at facing the truth. I live in my head and see reality, but my version of it. Many are this way, seeing only what they want to see, however I have never been in anyone else's head so I can't say completely that other people are this way as well. I see thing that are not there. I create feelings, whether good or bad, actions, eye contact, and meaning in things that never was substantially real in any way. I hurt myself this way. My perception of reality ends up making me a masochist of sorts I believe. I know what I do, though I do nothing to change it. I like the fairy tale I live in. I have this Taylor Swift outlook on love and life, and though it makes me who I am, and I am crying just thinking about losing that delicate part of me, it does nothing good for me nor anyone around me. Of course this all leads back to me not being able to let go of anything, even within myself. I never really thought I was controlling until I realized I am constantly controlling myself.

Anyways, back to it being over. It is. It fucking hurts. It will continue to hurt. I will and have found others to dig myself into to forget what real feelings feel like. I don't care how cliche and dumb I sound, but it sucks when you care so much about someone and they could care less about you. I know I did my fair share of wrong things, my selfishness can be blamed for it all. I wish I hadn't been so selfish. You deserved and do deserve so much better. Maybe I have it backwards. Maybe you cared and I was just riding my one way ticket to selfishtown, population me, and any cutie whose down to kiss. You are beautiful. And you will continue to become even more so. Though I completely disrespected your desires, I am so amazingly proud of you for having such commitment and determination to be better. I believe in you so much and I can't wait to see and hear where your life takes you. This is like saying goodbye, but I am praying, begging in my head to not let it be. I don't deserve that kind of grace from God, but I selfishly beg for it.

IIIII YOUYOUYOU HIMHIMHIM.

#fact

GlossyLoca Glossy Loca

If a guy acts weird after sexting, don't ever have real life sex with him. Unless you wanna get tooted and booted. #fact

Hey Ungraceful

Everyone always tells me I need to guard my heart. I literally have no idea how to do this. I know I have built up some sort of cardboard wall within the past few years from that one time I got really hurt, but as I let go of that, the cardboard starts to deteriorate. I equate guarding my heart with becoming hard, and I don't want to be hard. I want to be soft, I want to be open, I want to be ready and willing to love anyone who walks into my life as much and as hard as I possibly can. But thats not respected, is it? Its quite the opposite actually; its trampled on and spit on and used and discarded without a second thought.

This thought was brought on when I realized something that really sets me off: when somebody, usually a boy, makes plans with you, usually along the somewhat romantic or at least flirtatious nature, gets you so excited about it and makes almost definite plans, including what you're gonna do and around what time, continues to talk about it and hanging out for awhile, then says it may not happen and stops texting slash goes to sleep. Instantly, I fall apart. Therefore apparently, and for good reason, this is one of my tipping points. I expect this from certain people, all of them being men, but when someone new does it that I actually care about, it triggers that feeling he used to give me. He used to do the same thing. Exactly. Except he would start a fight with me to break off plans, or say its not right that we hang out. But you dear, you don't have that excuse. You used "I write back to slow." You asked me to be honest, and I was, and you made fun of me. No matter how many times it happens to me, it still breaks my heart every time I am put in this position of trust misused and manipulated. Is it a game? Is that how you think of it? I know you like control, so I let you have it. But in these situations you want me to take the lead. Is that so you can blame me when looking back? That I let it keep going, that in your mind I was the leader of this indulgence? You use my inability to lie as an advantage in the informal plan for my demise. You may not set out to view it this way, but I know you better than you think I do, and vice vera. You will look back and regret. You will feel better because you know I share the brunt of the blame. I have gone through this same situation a thousand times with someone else. I think these tears are a mixture of shock, disappointment, and heartbreak. I thought you would be better, smarter, sweeter, more of a man. I hope I am wrong in accusing you of not being those things. I hope this is pain over nothing. I know its unfair to you that I feel this way, but this might be the end of our renewed friendship if you do lead me on this way and this hard, just to bail on set plans, when you said "I want your company usually," like you've been bummed we haven't been able to hang out. UHG.

You Don't Even Know

More Than Anything

More than any fruitless venting or beating myself up all night tonight that I had planned, this is so on point for what I needed to see and hear and read and feel tonight. It eases the intense claustrophobia rolling over me in a thick blanket and the feeling that I am worthless because I am pining. I am not worthless and I can breathe.

"Albert Einsteins theory of love.

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man you love but with the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being. To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."

Dumb Thoughts

There may be more fish in the sea, but it seems as though I'm stuck in this bucket.

It's Been A Long Time

Since I've been had properly. But I don't want to be had just for the hell of it. Which is why whenever some guy shows me he wants me, I'm never quite into it. I don't want sex without Love, and love enhances sex. I'm a tease for kissing you all. But I never kept from any that I was still a virgin. I say it outright. Before anything even happens. I don't want to give you any false hopes, though I am sure my other actions do. And because I know what I want means I may never get what I want. I can say I know the poetical that is in Love, especially combined with sex. I can admit I have been close to it. Touched it. Lost it. That poetical gives me such hope its unbelievable. Such lust and passion that will be unquenchable till that marvelous day.

We Can't Be In Love Like The Movies

Fell in love with the movie Young Victoria.

I'm such a fuckin softie.

OCD

I really enjoy making lists. Even more filling in other peoples lists and making To Do lists for other people. As dumb and Myspacey as it sounds, when I come across a good fill in list that I can convey myself in, I have this disgusting selfish urge to fill it in, especially when it helps me procrastinate. So here it goes. You don't have to listen.

Sad songs I love:

• When You Come Back Down - Nickel Creek
• I Know You Know - Punch Brothers
• Void - Tristan Prettyman

Favourite meal of the day, month of the year, day of the week:

• Breakfast
• May
• Sunday

My three biggest character flaws:

• Selfish with love.
• Having no self control
• Being too hopeful

Happy songs I love:

• Live To Tell The Tale and/or Let Your Love Grow Tall - Passion Pit
• I've Been Gone A Long Time - Every Time I Die
• Animal Tracks - Mountain Man

Favourite body parts:

• Lips; the expressions that convey with the slightest movement and the things they are capable of.
• Shoulders.
• Rib Cage area.

Dream jobs:

• Fashion Stylist/buyer/merchandiser.
• Candid Photographer
• Food critic

Best sounds:

• The sound of cleats on pavement
• people singing together
• crunching leaves

Things that terrify/fascinate me:

• birth pains
• peoples complete apathy
• The 2012 Obsession

A Change of Attitude

The shift from the way I used to take it all personally and take on the feeling of rejection as a piece of myself to being someone who can let go is taking place! I don't want to get too far ahead of myself an give myself too much credit yet, but I feel the change occurring in me. I've been at the crossroads, seen down each path, and taken the one with far less baggage when I usually try and lug as many emotions as I can down the other path, which by the way is all uphill. The thing is though, that choice was just on a minor issue. Though I was really excited, I wasn't necessarily invested emotionally in this issue. Which makes me fear when other bigger issues come to a divide and I do end up feeling horribly rejected and lead on as the case may be, that I will have a much harder time deciding, and tumble up the wrong path, and end up tangled in the baggage I brought along with me, the emotions I packed while excited for this new adventure.

Catiy really gave me a good lesson in this, her always being busy or forgetting she had prior plan, bless her heart. The whole, 'If I really love this person, I won't get upset because what is that really helping?' I am exceptionally thankful to her for all the life lessons she taught me unintentionally, and for showing me the truest friendship I have ever had, and of course continue to have. Wah wah wah.

Proper.

I wish I had a proper camera. So I could take proper pictures and convey my proper, or sometimes not so, thoughts. Then I feel as thought I could have a proper blog, rather than taking others used pictures, which is not so proper. Perhaps then I could be mention in some other proper blog for my takes on the beauty of proper suburban life. Then be hired to take proper photos for someone else and receive some proper compensation. Maybe make a proper career of it.

But currently, I am properly happy. Especially when I over use proper british words.

Consumed With What's To Transpire

I have this problem, one of the biggest downfalls in my life. Its the sin I latch on to and still have not seen completely my demise because of it, but I know just because I don't see it, does not mean that I will not have to eventually reap what I sow. With one (really) good kiss and a fair amount of attention paid, I am somewhat hooked. I want to know more. I want to know everything. I want to know what you feel like, what your style is, and what sounds you make. But thats just the lustful part. The part I know is easier to crack than getting to know your heart or understanding your head, especially hard when It comes to a boy like you. Though that doesn't mean that as much as I want to kiss you again, I also don't want to just sit and pick your brain for hours. Each work with each other to make the other all that much more satisfying.

But with this lust, I know this will never be. Or least least I have to keep telling myself that to help myself keep my distance. To remember to go slow. To help me lay low and let it come to me. To remind myself to listen to what God wants, and let him decide what's next for me. Lust has ruled my relationship before, and anyone who knows me well knows how destructive that was to me, and how destructive it continues to be. I realized that kind of "love" is not something that can be easily forgotten when it gets that intense, and I don't plan on letting things get that way again for a very long time, or at least until I have a promise of a commitment that will last a lifetime.

I've come up with a sort of system for when to bring up that I am way more than just a girl to kiss and tease. No More Than Four. So far I'm at two. But I truly think the thing that will really tell that I need to speak up is if I get invited to another lunch, or two I guess since I'm going for the whole No More Than Four. I am truly doubting that I will get invited again since I was invited by that day last week. Meh. I hate feeling this dumb and girly. All this writing is the way my mind works when I start to kinda sorta talk to someone. Woof I'm ridiculous.

I may not have great flow, but I have a hell of a lot of heart.

Succulent Wild Women.

So You Know When... Well, I Guess You Wouldn't.

I feel like I am alone in this way of thinking, but maybe someone somewhere out there knows what I mean. I have this habit, you see, that happen when I really want someone to get to know me or I have something important to tell them, or pretty much always, of having a conversation with that person in my head. Sadly, it usually ends up being one sided because I have no clue how the other person is going to respond to what I am telling them. My latest conversation happened in the shower just now, to a particular person about my past interactions with other boys. I was explaining how I don't consider myself a slut because I do not sleep around, nor do I do anything more than kissing in most or all circumstances. The reason I was having that "conversation" is because I am deeply afraid that my past indiscretions will really make an impact on my prospects, though I feel there is very little need for them to be any issue at all, mostly due t the fact that I have only ever "loved" one other person and that has been the only relationship that would end up being an issue. Other than the fact that I am getting totally ahead of myself with feeling like these are things I need to speak about with this certain individual, I realized why i do such things.
It all has to do with my inability to process things as they happen, therefore always wanting to be prepared, and my need to process everything externally, i.g., writing my thoughts down so they are not just swimming around aimlessly in my head.
Anyways, I have had conversations with almost anyone I really cared about, always about some issue I feel they would judge me on, which is somewhat disheartening thinking I am that afraid of the people I love judging me, and me having to explain why I did such-and-such. It is my self-doubt. My downfall. My constant second guessing of every thought I have and every word I speak, which is reason why I feel as though I am constantly making a fool of myself.

Starts With A Boy, But It Always Ends With God.

Right now I feel as if I’m stuck in limbo. Will He? Won’t He? Should I? I hate this part. This is the part I suck at. I can’t flirt properly and just end up saying too much or not enough. Being too blunt or staying inside my head and saying things that make no sense to anyone but me, which tends to happen more often than not. If I could make someone fall in love with my buy kissing, I would do it in a heartbeat, especially in this situation. Am I a rare breed because I commit so easily and freely in this world, or generation of comittaphobes? Because I am not afraid to give my heart to someone, I am not afraid to be broken. Or does that just make me foolish? Naive. Or simply a masochist, which I already know I am through years of experience. I am just coming to heads again with the one way I know how to hurt myself best; in love.
Anyways, back to the whole “I ruin everything I touch” rant that started this all. I am hopeless, in every way. I have come to realize that this thing that happened to me years ago is not finished and might never be finished. I have barely dealt with it, but yet I have no idea where to start to do whatever needs to be done for it to be over with. I truly believe it is something I will forever be dealing with. Abuse. Fear. Contempt. Unforgettable(in the bad way). Even though I dislike admitting it and don’t totally believe it to be true, Hatred. I believe in the words that we can never be complete with someone else until we are complete within ourselves, and I think this huge, bigger than me issue is holding me back, and God knows it. God wants me to give it to him, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to give up fear over being homeless, fear of being kidnapped by my abuser, fear for my mothers safety and our sanity, fear for my future children who I will never trust in the hands of either of my parents.
These things are the things that keep me from finding a boy, no matter how dumb and childish that makes me sound. I LOVE loving someone, and I get as much love as I can out to the friends around me, but they are not always as receptive as I desire, nor do they reciprocate the love I try to give. I always hear the ol’ save that love for your husband bit, but honestly, this love I have inside of me gets to the point where I physically feel as if I am going to burst. I am in need of an outlet for this flood of love constantly pouring through my body, because I am sick of it coming out in the form of tears of frustration. I need that push from God telling me where to focus my love. I need that financial support from my abuser to follow through with whatever mission I am given. I desire that support and love from a companion when I do feel as though what I have to give is not good enough.
I feel as though what I have to give is not good enough. Which of course, ties back to boys. And my anxiety with the whole will he wont he bruhaha. The intense insecurities I wish I could just skip and dive right into the rest of my life. I am bad at hiding how I really feel, and in boy situations, its one of my biggest downfalls. UHG I hate myself for being like this. For being so shallow. But i do love the eye contact. And perfecting my shy flirt I'm thinking about you smile. Oh dear.

Invading my Dreams.

I had an interesting dream last night, or technically this morning. Here it goes.

Started in the side parking lot of Freemont Presbyterian, in current time so all the families I saw had kids that had grown up. Not sure of the family i saw was the Taylors or the Shanons family, but I got in the back of their car, or trunk, that was a jean cover you had to unbutton and we drove around the corner down H to the walking bridge that goes over the river from CSUS.
On the way there, in the car in front of us, was Dan driving, I think Spencer in the passenger seat, and of course Kevin in the back of the hatchback they were driving He turns around and does a weird finger wave to our car. I don't think he realizes I am there and I just look at him quizzically.
We were there for a wedding I guess. I felt really awkward because all these people I hadn't seen in so long and they didn't remember me. Then the wedding party comes in, and its a large party. I believe they were Czech? Anyways, there is the water area right where the levee should dip down towards the river that is reminiscent of the wave pool at waterworld or sunsplash. They walk into the water, and get in position. I realize then that its my old friends Dillion and Daltons family wedding. Their younger cousins who look exactly like them at the age I knew them run in to be in the wedding party. They end up doing a few dance numbers in the water before the ceremony. But during the first number, this band of boys in old River Park soccer jerseys come to join the crowd of those there to watch the wedding. And who is in that group but non other than Kevin. I freak out in my head, but then my childhood best friend Zach shows up at my side looking far different aka far more attractive from the last time I saw him. I talk to him, knowing obviously he is close friends with Dillion and Daltons family, but being constantly aware that kevin is a mere ten yards away or less, but still paying very close attention to the dances that are going on and Zach, my best friend I haven't seen in forever.
This is where I get woken up by my alarm.

Bodega

Tell me why all I saw as I was looking at him sleeping in the dark was you? Just, why? I kept trying to find his distinguishing characteristics, but all I saw was your nose, your receding hair line and forehead, your eyelashes.
MEH.
And then I get home and you call me. Twice.
And wanted to stop by.

You know I will be honest and hide nothing.

Things I Miss But Not Sure I Should

5411 Sate Ave, Sacramento CA. The redwood tree in Glen Hall Park. The Glen Hall Park swimming pool. The levee. Play Spice Girls during recess at Hubert Bancroft. Zachs house. Zachs house during the summer. Zach. Mayflower. Sutter. River Park Blue Jays soccer team. Indoor soccer. Really good texting conversations. Late night phone calls that last hours whispering under my blankets. Junior year. Staying up all night and doing work out videos at one am. Horny Toads. Mexico. Freemont Pres. Being in love. Your family. the shed. your grandparents house.

New Decade Resolutions

I hate the idea of a New Years Resolution. I believe that If we feel the need to make a change in our life, we should just go for it. We don't need a special day to tell us when to start nor do we need to feel guilty when we fail to follow or resolution guidelines. If anything I have goal for the next decade. It's somewhat cheating, but at least I know my probability of failing is far lower than If I only had a year to accomplish my life goals. 

First of all, I want to have a more active social life. I've been known to hermit myself away in my house for day and weeks on end with little to no outside contact. That NEDDS TO CHANGE. I promise to make an even greater effort than I think is necessary to spend time with the people I care about an go out of my way to meet and converse with people I feel I could care about. I could easily make a list of people right now, but the truth is that all could change within the next decade. 

Secondly, I want to learn more about geeky things. Like video games, movie making, photo editing, things having to do with gadgets. I know this is super lame, but that stuff really interests me an I like being knowledgeable about obscure stuff.

Third on my list is to fall in love for reals with someone who will stick around for more than two months. Preferably for the rest of my life, but I can handle maybe a year or so. I just wanna love an be loved in return. Have someone I can give all this gushy stuff thats inside of me too. Super lame riiiight. 

Fourth, I wanna party and kiss more people and have fun. I am just coming into this whole new world of alcohol and kissing when I feel like it. Its extremely nice and I would like to do it more often. Liquid Courage. Depressing goal and sound like the beginning to a bad drinking problem, but whatev. 

This is the end. I may have more, but Liquid Courage has left its make on me an I am in need to sleep badly.