Sometimes It's hard to think that i can be so one way and instantly another. How do I allow myself to sin so much and care so little about it? How do i allow myself to desecrate Gods holy name so much with my actions and words? Yes, most of the time I do see the line of where things I do honor or dishonor God. But what about the things I'm not sure about? I am not strong in the area of discernment. I am weak, flawed and broken beyond belief. More than anyone around me really knows. I enjoy my sins. That is the worst part. The thing I am most ashamed of. That I long for something I know is destructive to all the positive things in my life. I long to sin and have come to enjoy it. How much worse can I get? How much more hurtful can I be to the one who loves me most and the only one I have ever been able to trust and rely on fully?
I am unequipped to fix this. Or maybe I am just too afraid to try. My mind shuts down whenever I get this far.