You is Becoming a Relative Term.

When I mean You I mean someone. I have come to realize that "You" no longer means exactly you. When i think about it, when I say I miss You or i wish You were here, i mean to say I wish my future love was here, I miss my future love. My future Husband. This character that has yet to reveal himself to me. I sing love songs to this person, I write about, dream about, fantasize about and end up utterly missing this unknown man. I see him, whoever he is, in different qualities you have, knowing that maybe this unknown entity has those same qualities that I value most in you. And I'm OK with that. As long as I know, and you know, that you no longer means You.
You did once fill the spot of You, and I loved you in that spot, but that's gone. I only every think about you when I analyse what You means to me, such as now. Or on the rare occasion when my guarded thoughts become ramped and I see you in the snow, or music, or cartoons, but I see that person there too, knowing He will care that I see him in these things. That I loved Him before I even knew Him. That I had my heart prepared to bond with his heart forever. This may make my next relationship all that much harder since I do seek You out, but i trust that He(this time I mean God) will protect me with the utmost care.
Since you are the only materialized version I have of any You I have ever known, I only think it natural to think of you occasionally when I think of You. You are the closest thing I have to You, but you are not You, and I know this now. I know this with more strength and determination that ever before.
Sometimes I think You is God, this person I dream of, but I know that relationship has to be a more worshipful and fearful one. Which in turn helps me to replace my idolization of You, bringing me back down out of the clouds into reality. I do belive You are out there. More now than ever. I cant wait to show You all of this, all of me. And again, I need to be placing this energy and passion into my relationship with God, the ultimate Him, for I know I will never have You without Him.

You no longer means You.

Sometimes It's hard to think that i can be so one way and instantly another. How do I allow myself to sin so much and care so little about it? How do i allow myself to desecrate Gods holy name so much with my actions and words? Yes, most of the time I do see the line of where things I do honor or dishonor God. But what about the things I'm not sure about? I am not strong in the area of discernment. I am weak, flawed and broken beyond belief. More than anyone around me really knows. I enjoy my sins. That is the worst part. The thing I am most ashamed of. That I long for something I know is destructive to all the positive things in my life. I long to sin and have come to enjoy it. How much worse can I get? How much more hurtful can I be to the one who loves me most and the only one I have ever been able to trust and rely on fully?
I am unequipped to fix this. Or maybe I am just too afraid to try. My mind shuts down whenever I get this far.

Things arn't quite like how they used to be.

This feeling is definitely not regret.
But what is it?
Is it complacency?
I doubt it is me going numb, but you never know.
I don't even know what I should say or if i even have anything to say about it.
Maybe that's good.
My head just expects me to go into analyzing mode, and take last night apart piece by piece.
But I don't want to. I want to let it be.
Relish in the fact that there is no need to analyze my two am rendezvous.
Thanks for not wanting to text.
Be happy, which I definitely, one hundred percent am, for the fortunate mood I, and he, happened to be in.
The one thing I know I do need to be on my guard about is how i act.
Because I have never been in this situation before, I have no clue on what to say or do afterwards.
I didn't text first, so that's a plus.
But I know my mind will wander further into the possibilities than his will.
Or at least that's what I think.
This will be a lesson in letting things slide and going fully with the flow, and not analyzing every move and word into oblivion.
This is new.
This is Crazy.

I Can Feel It

Behind my eyes.
So why is it not coming?
Maybe tonight I'll get lucky.