For Those Things For Which I Have Forgotten.

I am not perfect. I look back instead of forward. My head has nothing in it because nothing is stimulating it. The End.

Gymtober Rings True

I've kept my delusions going, holding on to you for as long as I can. I kept my routine the same, did all the things that made me feel close to you. Listen to your music, watched the shows based in your city that made me feel closer to what you're experiencing. None of it has worked. You're still 2000 miles away, and a million from my heart. I'm notorious for never letting go, and you're just another body to add to the pile I already have going.

You are beautiful and wonderful and reminded me that I am worth knowing and loving. Even more so, that I am more than worth it. However, as they say, timing is everything, and we just didn't and still don't have it. Short lived and long felt. I hate that. I have never really had someone want to be my friend so badly post telling me they no longer have romantic feelings (it's still crazy to me that someone can fight their feelings and actually win, but I think I can;t believe it solely based on the fact that I can never seem to do it because the movies have never taught me how). And I'm not sure I can make the transition. As O-Town so blatantly put it, I want it all or nothing at all. It would be so much easier if I knew you weren't there for me at all any more, but there you are, everyday, making the effort like I've never felt before. That is the hardest part of all. I am so glad you have life priorities, and see the big picture in a way I have never been able to. You understand you have so much life to live and so any places you want to go and you don't even know where you're going to be come this time next year, or even 10 months from now. I couldn't tell you what I'm doing two months from now.

All in all, I know I have to change my routine, change my heart yet again. Mind over matter over you. Thus the name of the month, Gymtober. A dedication to change, no matter how hard it is for me to do so. I want to be able to be your friend, and we have less than three short months until we are in the same city again, and I want to be able to see you and not have my heart break nearly as bad (cuz lets face it, my heart breaking is inevitable). I want to be able to come visit come February, and have it be healthy and happy and friendly. You are the smartest, sweetest person I have ever known and had an undeniable off-the-bat connection with. These are all things that are so hard to ignore. Like how, 3 years ago, you broke up with your girlfriend of two years the week we met, the day we had a hang-sesh planned. I may be looking too hard at that, but I do believe all things happen for a reason. With that, I know all these emotions I am going through with you, they have their purpose. Not that I can see it now, but its there, waiting for me to put the pieces all together, just around the river bend. And whether you're a part of whatever the purpose it, I can only pray.

But then again, I've been told my words are meaningless.

The smartest bit of advice I've gotten through all of this was that no matter how much I want to point blame where I think it's due, I was the one who gave that person the power to hurt me. So no matter what has happened, it has been me who has let it happen to myself. I had control and it was MY choice to give any certain person the space in my heart and mind to hurt me in whatever way they did. So from all this, I strengthen myself.

Sadly, this bit of advice promotes a closing off of emotions, which I will NEVER be able to do, but I do now totally understand even better than I had before at the importance of knowing yourself and the power you hold within. People will forever have the power to hurt us because we are a species based on human interaction, but what I take from all of this is what I have always believed; to live is to love, and when you love, and love passionately, you will hurt. We are always the most critical of the ones we love, because we believe they are better than they really are. People are beyond flawed, and it is hard to let those flaws go when we thing so highly of a person.

It is so much harder than I ever thought, for myself at least, to say the right thing all the time. Oh yeah, right, no one ever always says the right thing, including you. So from here, I forgive those who have said the harshest most hurtful things to me, despite their realization of it. I apologize for the unknown hurtful things I have said. We all will always make mistakes. It is literally impossible to not sin. All I can ask for, as I have for a long time now, is for God to guide me to the right things to say. Not to be in what I say or write, but for Him to lead me to the right combination of words. My words may be few more often than not on such vital situations because I am thoughtful about them. Because I never want to say something in the heat of the moment, in reaction to something, that may hurt far more than intended. I have no desire to ever say any words out of malicious passion for the reason of them being irreversible. HOWEVER, I know I have said or written my fair share of mindless comments, and that does not go unseen or unfelt. It also does not go un-apologized for.

I know I went off on somewhat of a tangent, but as is my mind. Jumping from one side to the other feverishly.

Pride & Ego Detain Us All

At the very least I can walk away from this knowing I did all I could to try and communicate (communication: told to be the key of any relationship) myself, my feelings and my actions to this person. Yet have come to realize, again, that I have no control over what another human does. I can only put myself out there so much and be rejected so much, hopefully making it clear to said person that I am open to further communication. However, like hitting yourself against a brick wall over and over and never learning how badly its hurting you, rejection never sticks. Or does it? Or did you give me just enough hope to make me believe that there was still a chance to fix this?

Even thinking that you could not care, after 3 months of nothing but, is entirely mind boggling to me. How did this happen? I know what I did, but was that statement really so altering that it changed your feelings and thoughts about me? Personally, I was enjoying this relationship more than I had enjoyed any in so long. I was excited about it actually. I relished our capabilities to have a long distance, thriving relationship. Every day I felt more affection towards you and missed you more.

What sucks the most is over the past two plus weeks I have thought about this nonstop. What can I do, say, whatever, to make this work again? It has taken up so much of my mind its sad actually. I have thought so much about what to say to you and of course every time its different. First they started as excuses for my actions and words. Then they changed into something else, something that felt so weird to me. I decided that if you needed me to commit or whatever, I would do it. Perhaps unknowingly to you, but this is what I was scared most of; taking that leap into commitment where I had the potential to have my heart broken, yet again.

Now that i have admitted my huge friggin fear of getting hurt, I'll admit my other fear that might make way less sense to any normal person, but I would hope that you being the understanding, stand up dude that you are (or I thought you were at this point) would totally get. Because I felt so strongly for you and that it wasn't completely all romantic, it was a great flourishing friendship as well, and I have a past tarnished with relationship getting fuck up from getting lost in the physical stuff, I had a huge wall up when it came to that. Even the small stuff like cuddling on the couch was a big deal to me when it came to you. I know how I work and I know how easily it is for me to get sucked into that stuff because it feels so good. Lust is my biggest sin, my biggest downfall, and I didn't wanna risk us getting fucked up because I can't control myself once that box is opened. Like, really, I mean it, I can't. Thus because, I admit it, I wasn't 100% sure what we were doing, I didn't want to get anywhere near the physical stuff until the emotional shish was figured out. We never had the DTR and you never really told me how you felt about me, therefore I was too scared to tell you any of my feelings either. I was (and I guess kinda still am) in a place where I was uncertain about you, and I had no desire to drag not only the other stuff we had built up together, but also something that is more sacred to you, through the mud.

I totally get if this sounds all deep an crazy, but thats who I am; deep and crazy. I got a lot of shit going on in my heart and my brain that even I don't always get, thus I don't expect many to understand where I am coming from most of the time. But I hope now you get it a bit. I know this is SO over, but I had to get all of this out before I drowned myself in the heaviness of it all.

I wish you everything good and shiny. We could have had a great love, but I'm excited for your truest great love (and mine of course too) that has yet to come. This is gonna fuckin hurt for a long as time because I did share a lot emotionally and invest a lot into you, but I hope we both learned great things from it. I hate this feeling of "I know its not over," but facing the reality that it really is.

Sometimes I wonder if you think the same way I do about you. About how what I have with you is like nothing else I have ever had with anyone else. However, I have time still to find that, and hope that there is something more amazing than you out there. I totally believe it is possible. Even right now I have great, huge hope that what I am working with now will be better than you. But still, WHY do I still feel this strongly? WHYTHEFUCKDOI? I don't want to be stuck here. I have been ready and I am SO ready for the next step.

Ive had this revelation about my life recently, about where I am headed and what I am passionate about. With that, I didn't have the desire to tell you, like, at all. I had the desire to tell my best friend, and the boy who cares about me more than anyone else has in a LONG time. I am happy. I am so incredibly hopeful about my future its insane. However, I wonder more often than I'd like to admit if you wonder about me the same way I wonder about you. If you have found something that has ever compared to what we've had. I know you've had more serious things than I have, but still, I have no idea what goes on in your brain anymore. I don't know if you had the same anxiety yet intense excitement like I had when we visited.

UHG. THIS IS DUMB.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWestNF1Ihw

All I Know Is I Don't Know

I realized I don't have room in my heart for someone else right now. For someone who can rely on me and vice versa. I can't be that or do that now, at this point in my life. I have my heart filled by my family and my best friend, not to mention the LORD. Simplicity was always my favorite and this feeling of being satisfied and filled by solely them embodies that perfectly. Its insane how when I finally find someone who is worth all the love I have to give, I can't do it. I can't give in. I can't let him in and I am unable to give him any part of me that means anything, even the physical stuff. Timing is everything I have come to realize. That and communication is key. It hurts me so badly to know that I can't give someone something they deserve.

Maybe it was because it was too simple. Too easy. Too right in front of me, no need for me to work. I don't feel any passion, any magnetic draw that I pair easily with lust. I'm not used to not lusting after someone with fiery enthusiasm. Part of me thinks that its a blessing; lust has always been my biggest temptation and not having it here, with this person, might be for the best. That perhaps that lust will grow with time to become something deeper and greater than I could have ever thought. Thats just wishful thinking however, not something I know for fact. That risk of putting myself out there only to find this wasn't going to go all the way might break me. I have yet to put myself out there in that way since that one time 5 years ago.

WAIT. Maybe that it? Risk? That due to the fact that this could be an actual real life adult relationship with feelings and all that crap, I'm actually just scared of getting hurt? I'm just afraid to take that leap and jump into something unknown. All I've been doing for the last 4 years is being shallow and lustful in my non-platonic relationships with men. I know nothing of real, true romance. All I can pray for now is that God leads me in the right direction. That His will is done here with me. That I can be an image of Him to whomever I cross paths with no matter who they are to me. I pray so heavily that God takes this relationship from me and my crazy controlling mind. I have no clue what I want, so I guess I should just work towards what I know God wants.

Talking To Your Mom.

Disclaimer: My head is in so many different places trying to write this all out and it is extremely intimate and personal. Read with caution as well forgiveness for how chopping my writing is.

Is everything that happens for a reason? Or is what's happening a test of my love? A test of my resistance, patience, commitment, selflessness, heart, and so many other things? Your love for God is so attractive. Seeing you grow into the man I prayed you would become is something that fills my heart with so much pride, respect and Storge love. You were always my friend first, and my best friend at that. The romantic feelings and the intimacy have clouded that fact from me for such a long time.

I could probably still use my powers over you to bring you down. However, I don't want to bring you down anymore than I already feel I have. The intimacy and romantic feelings we had and possibly still have for each other would just cloud every other thing we have on our horizon, and I know you have so much more to lose than I do. I don't care how lame it sounds, but the cliche saying "if you love it, let it go..." is so appropriate and exactly right for this situation. I feel as though I do really love you in the purest, hardest way and that intimacy really did cloud our true feelings and shifted the bases of what our relationship should have been centered on to a false idol of lust.

I will forever wonder why I still feel the way I do about you, though those feelings do fade away but come back to a certain degree so very often. I hate that I still occasionally dream of a life with you in it. I never thought that I would end up being "the other hand that always holds the line, connecting in between your sweet heart and mine," or that I would be the one thinking "ill be here when you come back down." I always saw me as the one going off and doing my thing while you waited for me to figure myself out. Which possibly makes this even harder? I am partly jealous you have it al going for you, all put together, that God gave you all the things I want and I still feel lost, floating, waiting for guidance. This just shows how appealing a man of God is.

But for now, I will be what you need me to be. A person to call whenever you need to chat, be encouraged, so forth. I will be there for you when you need me cause its almost a compliment that you choose to confide in me, after all this time. I can put my pride as well as my desire away for you. I will forever fight my desire to make this an equal relationship, but I know that is not attainable at this point in either of our lives. Timing is everything, and right now is the time for me to be a friend and nothing more. Also the time to try and let go of every other emotion or longing I have for our future and be in the here and now, not just in this aspect, but in every aspect of my life.